Happy (Belated) Anniversary to us!

Our 3-year anniversary was July 19th, right in the middle of the moving madness.  Instead of trying to sneak in a alone time celebration, we postponed it until this last weekend. 

It's no secret that this has been a rough year for us with lots of challenges in our individual lives and our marriage.  My dream was to take a tropical romantic vacation and renew our vows, just the two of us.  However, budgets prevailed and instead we stayed in OKC.  But I think we did it right with an afternoon at the art museum, a room at the Skirvin Hotel where we spent our wedding night, and an amazing dinner at our favorite OKC restaurant, Deep Fork.

We did include a little vow renewal on the steps of the church where we got married.  I want to share the gift that I got S but I don't have a picture so I'll tell you about it later!

And the cherry on the sundae?  We had a coupon for dinner and because of a yapping dog who apparently had lots of opinions and needed to bark for three hours straight, our hotel room was comped.  Anniversary score!  The barking dog not so much, but the accommodating hotel staff, yes!

Year three was a doozy but we're ready for year four.  Bring it on, life!

The trouble with dreams

"A woman with dreams always has problems."
-Maya Soetoro-Ng (as quoted in Newsweek)

Maybe it's because we have a lot of transitions happening at once.  Maybe it's because I'm approaching 30.  Maybe it's because I have so much I want to do with my life and it feels like the clock is ticking and has been for some time.  Whatever it is, the complexities that come with being a woman are suddenly very real to me.

I've always had big dreams for myself.  Sometimes I wanted to be a cab driver/doctor/ballerina.  Sometimes I wanted to be a Broadway star.  Sometimes I wanted to be a teacher.  Sometimes I wanted to be lawyer.  Sometimes I wanted to be an artist.  Now I want to get a PhD and read, write, and teach for a living.  Not in a "well, I guess if I have to get a job this will work" sorta way but in a "this is my soul's deep need for meaningful work" sorta way.

I wanted to get married and be a mom when I was a kid but was it my "dream"?  Not really.  Whenever I was asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I never answered "a mommy."

But I do want to be a mommy. A good one.  And a wonderful wife and partner in my unique and beautiful and complicated marriage.

And I want to be Dr. B and publish and travel and connect to the world with my research and teaching.  And I never thought that I couldn't do it or that anyone wouldn't want me to do it.  Until now.

Let me be clear: S wants me to do it.  He'll do whatever it takes to make my dreams reality.  But it's not easy for him either.

I'm keenly aware of the women's movement and feminism and the long history of and continued struggle for equal rights.  In fact, I have wondered, am I only wanting all these things because I know how other women were denied these opportunities and how many had to fight tooth-and-nail for whatever they did accomplish?  I've thought long and hard about that and I'm pretty sure that's not my driving force, but I do think of those women.  I am a feminist.  Growing up I assumed everyone born after 1980 would consider themselves a feminist because, uh, hello?  But I was WRONG.

I'm all for my fellow young women deciding to stay home and raise kids or whatever they choose to do, that's wonderful.  Good for them!  And, though I don't see that being my path, I cannot entirely eliminate it.  Who knows what the future will bring?  However, it is not my dream.  To do that I would have to willingly and consciously give up on my dream.  Granted, maybe not forever, but the likelihood of seeing that dream through would greatly diminish.

Here's what I didn't see coming:  The subtle resistance to my choices by people of all stripes.  The conflict and tough decisions that are inherent in a two-career family.  The unconscious expectations that I carry with me and whisper in my ear "stop being so selfish, it'll never work out anyway."

During the last year whenever I shared that I was applying to PhD programs people asked over and over again, "And your husband's just going to follow you wherever you go?"  Uh, yeah?  How do you think I ended up in Atlanta?  I didn't have a job here.  I didn't have friends or family here.  I wasn't in school here.  But no one looked at me incredulously and asked, "And you're just going to follow him wherever he goes?"  See, no one is being mean or unkind or calling me an uppity woman, but those little comments get to you after a while.  They start making you think, am I asking too much?  Am I ruining his life?  Am I being unreasonable?

No, of course not!

And what about S?  What about his career?  He doesn't have a clear goal like I do but he wants to provide for his family and he has some idea about what he wants to accomplish with this master's degree he'll finish in a year.  We don't know the answer to this one.  But I can say that we are getting better at talking about it and imagining it and trying not to worry about it.  However, I know that there are people who worry that my choices, my dreams, will threaten his chance for achievement.

And what about my own expectations?  What about the stories that I've internalized about what it means to be a woman and a "good" wife and a "good" mother?  They are there and I didn't even realize it until, well, this week.  They've been there in the back of my mind like an annoying and destructive Jiminy Cricket telling me, "You know, a good wife wouldn't worry so much about her own goals.  A good woman would be happy with this amazing man she managed to marry and leave it at that."  What!?  What's wrong with you evil talking cricket?  Leave me alone!

So a woman with dreams has problems.  Maybe so.

I also know that a woman without dreams is not problem-free. (Who doesn't have dreams?)

And a woman with dreams who stamps them down and tries to ignore them turns into some crazy heroine from 19th-century feminist literature.  Nobody benefits from that.

It's exhausting, right?  Sheesh!  All for a silly degree and a job.  Yet, that silly degree and that job are going to make me a better wife and partner.  They are going to make me a better mom.  They are going to make me a better friend and a better daughter and a better person because they will allow me to live into myself, live into my potential.  Those non-familial, non-relational achievements will be the result of hard work and, yes, some sacrifice, and my family and my friends will benefit from a happier and healthier me.

So I think it's worth it.  Problems and all.

"All failure is fleeting"

Earlier this week I made the comment to a friend that it felt like the first two weeks of March pooped on my face. I still have a home, my family, food in my refrigerator and pantry, and much to be thankful for but a few really big things in my life felt like they were falling apart.

I was all set to write up a post about how excited I was about March - flowers blooming, warmer weather, my birthday, a visit from my parents, and finding out about grad school.  Then February 28th arrived and the poop began to fall.

First a crisis in our marriage. I had to drive to Dallas with only Buddy for company and shed a lot of tears.  It's turning out alright, dare I say even wonderful; it's still there though, the pain and hurt that comes with a crisis.  I came home and things are good but my parents canceled their visit and then I got a bladder infection. 

But, it's okay!  My birthday was around the corner!  And we were going to make it wonderful!

Until I get not one but TWO rejection letters from schools where I applied for PhD programs.  I'm waitlisted at the other.  SMASH!  Goodbye dream...

Then S had to work on school stuff the whole weekend before my birthday when we were, you know, gonna celebrate.

Then it rained on my birthday. 

Then I only got two 3-day for the Cure donations on my birthday when I was aiming for 29.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was beginning to feel like the universe was just closing one door after another.

See, the thing is, this was supposed to be my year.  I've felt like I have been biding my time in the ATL during the past three years while S does his school and work stuff and now it was my turn!  As I approach 30 I was going to get to move forward toward my education and career goals, motherhood, creative pursuits, this was going to be THE YEAR!  No more standing in place, treading water, waiting for my ship to come in, etc, etc.

It's only March, I guess it can still be my year, but the year's going to have to do some extra credit work to get that designation now.

A few days have past, I'm a little more calm, a little less teary, and don't feel like a complete and absolute failure every hour of every day.  But I am still discouraged and disappointed and frustrated with my current circumstances.

Then today I came across this song on another blog.

I love this song.  It might seem a little cheesy but it lifts me up and makes me happy.  I went right over itunes and downloaded her album.

So now, here are some things for which I am thankful:
1) amazing friends who showed me so much love these past two weeks
2) amazing family who showed me so much love these past two weeks
3) a marriage worth fighting for
4) the azaleas that are about to bloom
5) Buddy
6) granny squares and making a blanket like this
7) fresh flowers on my pretty white table
8) the pretty dress that I found for my concert that I can also wear someday when I have a "passenger" on board
9) cookies
10) believing in my dream enough to try again next year if need be
11) the awesome white necklace I made that looks like this
12) life still being full of possibilities
13) being 29, even with the bumpy start
14) getting more birthday cards this year than, well, ever
15) my birthday present from S, a visit from my mom!
16) going to Alaska two weeks from today
17) physicians on call and 24-hour pharmacies
18) a husband who thinks I'm worth it
19) McDonald's $1 sweet tea
20) the second half of March! out like a lamb, right?

We're working on plans A, B, and C now that "go wherever B goes to school" doesn't seem to be working out.  Still keeping my fingers crossed to move off that waitlist!  It's not what I hoped for, not what I expected, not what my mentors assured me would happen, but it's okay. 

You tell me, don't try it

I'm warning you that I won't buy it
All failure is fleeting
I trust it always has its meaning 

-Mindy Gledhill 

Down the rabbit hole

Pardon our absence.  Why were we gone?  Because sometimes marriage is so hard that things fall apart and picking up the pieces takes some time away.  It was a rough week.  Maybe rough isn't the right word; it really, really sucked.  But we have found ourselves on the other side and things are good.  I can say that honestly - it is good.  So happy to have that be the truth.

Buddy and I drove to Dallas and then back again within a four day period.  That's a 13 hour drive and not too fun.  I've again learned this week what amazing friends I have.  One of the amazing ones, Carrie, sent me oodles of new music to listen to on my drive.  I fell in love with Agnes Obel.  These are some of the songs that spoke to my heart and helped bind my wounds.








Onward we go...

Better together

In our little family, I do our taxes.  Well, in 2011 we don't really "do" our taxes as much as plug numbers into a website.  It's basically Facebook with fewer YouTube links.  So, in our family I plug the numbers into the website.  On Friday I began this process.

I'm not sure how many of you don't actually know me in real life.  I'm guessing not many because, well, that seems like a pretty good guess.  But if you do not know me in real life then you probably also don't know that my real job is in music: music therapist (it's a thing), music teacher, and singer.  S is a teacher.  This means our respective W-2 and 1099 piles look like this:

S - 1
B - AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

It also means we always have to pay taxes in April.  I don't mind paying taxes, I really like the police and fire departments and our paved roads and the library and healthcare (that's right, I said it, it's gettin' all political up in here*), it's just painful when it's one lump sum.  So this year I decided to see if it would be advantageous for us to file separately.

Turns out, it's not.  We save money by filing jointly.

Is it weird that this result made me glad?  I was happy, maybe even relieved, that as a couple we would both benefit from doing this one little thing together.  I guess this is how I hope most things in our marriage will go - by being in on it together we will both end up with a better result than if we had tried it alone.  But sometimes I worry that it's not working out that way, especially in our current state of uncertainty about our professional and locational future.

I wasn't sure if "locational" was a word but blogger didn't put a wavy red line under it so it must be.  Did I mention that I'm applying to PhD programs?  It's words like "locational" that take you to that level.

Anyway, I would just like to thank the federal government of the United States of America and the government of the state of Georgia for affirming my marriage.  We will show our appreciation by writing you a hefty check in a month or so.  You are welcome.

*But not really, this isn't that kind of blog.  Not yet anyway.  Please do not help us get there.

Navigating the Crazy

I just read a post from a favorite blogger about her postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter and how she's preparing for the birth of her son in a few weeks. I worry about this. She writes about how she's so angry about her depression, how it robbed her of the joy and happiness that she thought she deserved to have after her child was born. I've written a little bit about my experience with depression after S and I got engaged that extended into our first two years of marriage. I am angry too. I'm angry that I cried more out of frustration than joy during that time period. I'm angry that our first year of marriage was overshadowed by this specter of sadness and anxiety. I'm angry that is took S down with me. I'm angry that I didn't feel like I could be honest about how I was feeling.

And I am grateful that we've made it this far and made it together.

There's a term for depression after giving birth. Whether Tom Cruise thinks it's real or not, it turns out more women deal with this than we ever thought and I am glad that so many people are coming forward to talk about it. There's not a term for depression after other seemingly joyous occasions, except just depression, but I think we can still talk about it.

Before I read this blogger's post, here's what I thought: Oh man, she's super cute and she writes hilariously and she makes super cute stuff and sells it on etsy and she gets like lots of comments and she has this great kid and this super cute husband and her life is obviously infinitely better than man and I suck and use the phrase "super cute" more often than any 28-year-old ever should. Tells you more about me than it does about her, right?

So, here's my plea: Please be real. If you social media-ize and it's not to make money or promote a business, please be your real self, flaws and all. Please turn off the "here's why I'm awesome" show and let us see you fail, not so we feel sorry for you but because we all do and sometimes it feels like I'm the only one. I love it when my DYI bloggers post about a project and halfway through tell us, "then I hated it and I cried and we made 15 trips to Home Depot and I cried some more and then it worked." Oh, so you're not perfect. Thank goodness!

Sometime S and I are sad about something and we don't talk about it for a while until one of us says, "um, I'm a little bit sad about this" and the other one will say "um, I'm a little bit sad about that too" and then we might share a few tears and talk and by the end it all seems manageable because we realize that it's not just one of us, we're not alone, and the enormity of whatever it was that was bothering us is greatly reduced.

I think life with friends should be the same way, don't you? "I feel a little bit crazy." "I feel a little bit crazy too." "Oh, well then, let's navigate the crazy together."

Maybe I should rename our blog. Let's call it Navigating the Crazy Together.

Parenting Taboos

Since we're into truth telling around here, I thought this little presentation was fascinating for our child-bearing and non-child-bearing friends alike.

Parent friends, what do you think?

I remember before I got married I got so sad when I heard the "truths" about marriage, such as "you don't like each other ALL the time" and "the next 50 years aren't just like your first year of dating."  Well, maybe not for YOU...but we're different!

But, um, guess what?  We're unique just like everybody else.  I suppose our parenting life will be just as unique.

I really like their ideas about "collectively bending the baseline of happiness upward."  When you feel like the "failure" because your (and supposedly everyone's) expectations aren't met it is nearly impossible to feel happy or even content.  But adjust those expectations, not lower - just adjust, and your ability to "succeed" suddenly becomes significantly enhanced and you discover that nobody is succeeding at the mythical magical life that you imagine based on their Facebook profile, blog, Christmas letter, and general perfect exterior.

Then, whew, what a relief!

You know it's love..

When your husband comes home from a trip to Ace Hardware,
says "I got you a present!"
and presents you with this:

More truth telling

I was out of town and now I'm back.  My little introvert self has to take several days to recover after spending time away with friends/family or having visitors at our house.  It's a personal "feature" that is so frustrating.  I love seeing people, so why does it take so much out of me?

But I digress.  I want to talk about another personal feature, depression and anxiety.  Whoo-hoo!  Get excited about this one!  You know how our little profile says we will tell the truth?  Well get ready for some truth telling, folks!

So here's the deal: you know how when you start something new, engagement, a job, moving, and, I imagine, having a baby, everyone says "Oh, how exciting!  You must be so happy, so excited, so thrilled, so in love, so hopeful, so amazingly perfect!" And, if it's a job or a move, you think, "yeah, I'm excited but I'm also scared and nervous and not quite totally 100% sure this is the right thing for me."  But if it's an engagement the only acceptable answer is, "Yes!  Absolutely!"

What's up with that?

Depression, anxiety, all that jazz is one thing during normal working hours and it sucks and I know far too many people who have dealt and are dealing with it in various forms but during the "happiest time of your life?"  Unacceptable.

S and I got engaged on June 16, 2007.  I spent the next three years struggling with depression and anxiety which means every time someone said, "You must be so _____!, " I lied to their face.  

Yeah, I know, you want to be absolutely, 100% sure about committing to a marriage, I get that, but are we ever 100% sure about anything?  Big events can trigger big responses.  For some people it's undeniable bliss, for others it's an impending sense of doom or, perhaps worse, an absence of emotion.  So what do you do?  Well, you don't really feel like you can talk to anyone because then you'll have to face the inevitable questions about whether or not you should go through with the wedding, questions you have been asking yourself for months and that you and your fiance have started discussing.  You've thought, "uh, maybe this is a horrible idea, worst you've ever had."  Yet, when you take off your engagement ring just to see what it feels like (the opposite of going to Tiffany's and pretending that you or a friend is getting engaged...you did that too, right?) or think about a future without your partner it doesn't make things feel better or alleviate the anxiety, it just makes you sad.  But, let's all be honest here, things aren't looking great for your marital future.

Fast forward ------> Things are so much better (thank you Dr. Therapist, thank you meds and then no thank you meds, and thank you coping mechanisms and things to look forward to) but, truthfully, I wish I could go back and redo many of those "happiest moments."  The one moment I wouldn't redo is when we said our vows.  That was the brief period of time that I had no anxiety or sadness and that gave me hope.

Vows make me happy!

So, what's the point of all this? Other than now you feel so sad for me.*

*If you feel so sad for me, I can suggest ways to cheer me up, perhaps involving shoes or the previously mentioned vacation package.  By the way, we are still waiting for our therapy graduation presents. Is this a not customary gift-giving occasion?  

The point is, or at least I think it is, that, um, I don't really know what the point is.  I guess maybe it's that we can resist the urge to insist that our "happiest times ever" be a frenzy of happiness, that we allow for normalcy even during exciting times and recognize that having a full range of emotions, even when you are receiving awesome wedding gifts, is normal and not a sign of horrible things to come.  And, when our loved ones are needing to question their choices, give them support without a side of guilt.

Or maybe I'm just bragging about how much S loves me because he stuck with me for three atrocious years, three years that included our wedding, our sad excuse for a honeymoon, moving, several career shifts for both of us, and Buddy (we love our Buddy).  Seriously folks, I don't know how he did it.

Let me sum up this way:

• sometimes life is happy
• sometimes life is sad
• sometimes we need help to be happy or even just regular (not normal...that's asking a little much)
• and, in the immortal words of the "How Are You?" song, "and that's OK!" 
• and it is.

The End.

Congratulations are in order

Strike up the band!  Listen to the sweet strains of Pomp and Circumstance!

Did we tell you that we graduated from therapy?  Yes, we are very proud.  We have been waiting for our graduation gifts and, since they have not yet arrived, we are assuming it's because we forgot to tell you.

In case you have ever wondered how you know when you are through with therapy, from our experience, it is when your sessions begin resembling a bad dinner party where everyone feels like they should be there but they don't really have anything to contribute.  Then, at the end of the gathering, the host says, "So, just let me know when you want to do this again!"  Even though we all know you are never going to call him. 

And then you are healed!  Ta-da!

Appropriate "graduation from therapy" gifts include, but are not limited to, trips abroad, a down payment for a house, an all-inclusive resort vacation, or a new rice cooker to replace the one that just rebelled while S was making dinner.

Living simply? Monastically? Oh, whatever.

This past year has been about us.  Me, me, me, you, you, you, and me some more.  S transitioned from seminary to working full-time and was kind of on "putting others first and trying to be good" overload.  For the first time we had a little extra pocket money so we've been taking care of our needs and, more accurately, our wants.  I wanted two pairs of shoes at DSW, and now I own them.  S wanted a Super Nintendo controller so he can play old games on the computer, and it is on its way to our house.  So, that's been nice.

But now we are slowly but surely rethinking things.  Maybe it's because we are getting ready for my second round of grad school in a year.  Maybe it's because we are starting to think about the babies and how we want to live when we have them.  Maybe it's because we've been taking a church hiatus and we are missing the emphasis on giving and sharing that tends to be a part of a church community.

On my long training walks, I listen to podcasts and try to vary the tone and topics (a 10-mile walk takes about 3 hours so I need some variety!).  I recently listened a Speaking of Faith in which Krista Tippett interviewed Shane Claiborne.  You can read more about him if you don't know much already.  He's kind of a new generation of Christians rock star so you've probably heard of him before.

This got me thinking about one of my favorite professors at Perkins, Dr. Clark-Soles.  I love her.  Anyway, she would talk about their "tribe": the people in their community and their church with whom they share resources and life.  Instead of everyone having their own lawn mower, the tribe has a lawn mower.  Instead of everyone having an SVU, the tribe has an SVU.  I like this idea.  We have a small tribe here, I guess.  We share wireless internet with our neighbor.  Instead of buying an electric saw for our table project we borrowed one from our friend.

Here's the thing about "living simply" and "new monasticism" -- the Shane Claiborne folks didn't set out to "be" something, they just started living a certain way and it "became" something.  So now that people are following in their footsteps and adopting that model, it seems a tad inauthentic.  We are going to "be" a new monastic community instead of, "we're here, you're here, let's try living like this and see how it goes."

Tangent - now back to what I was saying.

As grown ups trying to figure out how to be in this world, how do you live in a way that cares for others?  How do you make it a part of your family's daily life in real and tangible ways, ways that permeate your family's identity without becoming self-sacrificial to the point of guilt or overt righteousness?  How do you just live in such a way that your life brings life to others without being all like "LOOK AT ME! MY LIFE BRINGS LIFE TO OTHERS!  I'M JUST LIKE THE COOL KIDS!"?  How do you live generously yet quietly?  How do we live softly, in both senses, on the earth?

The marriage book

Can you give the marriage book credit for helping your marriage if you grow closer together by making fun of the marriage book?  The marriage book is a good book and based on really good research with really good advice and exercises but it's written for all kinds of people, including those are a day or two away from divorce and wish they had a few more days.  Since we are not there, thank goodness, some of the scripts and such sound a little, um, extreme.  Our new favorite is in the chapter about "turning toward your partner."  Dr. Gottman talks about empathizing with your partner and not taking sides with their arch nemesis.  So if your partner feels wronged, you are supposed so say, "That's outrageous!", which we feel is an appropriate response for any sort of thoughtful or emotional expression.

 For example:

-I think I'm going to have ice cream

-That's outrageous!

-This towel is dirty.

-That's outrageous!

-Buddy did all his poops today.

-That's outrageous!

It's really helping our marriage.  

In fact, it's helping so much, we celebrated our second anniversary on Monday!

The 5-year Plan

Dr. Therapist tells us that it takes 5 years for married couples to grow accustomed to their life together and work out most of the ins and outs of daily life.  S and I are 1.92 years into our marriage so that means we still have 3.08 years of annoying each other, I mean, figuring stuff out.  I guess what he really means is don't put so much pressure on yourself to have everything settled in the first few days, months, years and don't panic if life together seems infinitely more complicated than life apart.

Dr. Therapist also has this to say about in-laws, "it takes time for that."  As in, it takes time to be happy about spending a holiday with your in-laws instead of wishing you were with your family of origin and other such situations.  I'm very close to my family of origin so this is a big freakin' challenge for me.  But I guess Dr. Therapist was right because at the family wedding a few weeks ago, I was genuinely excited to see the in-laws, both immediate and extended family, and then saying goodbye was truly sad.  A first!  Not that I didn't enjoy everyone's company on previous visits but you know, it's like the difference between your very best friend leaving after a visit and saying goodbye to the nice people you work with.  One is a slightly less heart-wrenching than the other.  But, on this occasion I moved closer to best friend territory.  It is reassuring to know that these relationships are developing, growing, and evolving and will continue to do so.

We could make beautiful music together

We're doing laundry and packing.  Buddy's getting packed to go to summer camp, aka to stay with his former foster mom Liz, and tomorrow we hit to road for southern Florida!  Where it is supposed to rain the entire time we're there.  So much for lingering on the beach during my first trip to Florida.  We are visiting grandparents but the main purpose of our trip is to pick up the piano that they are generously bequeathing us.  It turns out that I when I joined the family I doubled the number of piano players and I am very excited to have a real piano in our home!  I have to confess that my fantasies of marriage have always included something like this:

What is marriage if not a series of duets that are expertly produced and flawlessly performed?  Last night while catching up on episodes, S asked me, "is this how you thought marriage would be?"  Yes, I imagine the perfect marriage includes regular performances à la Glee.

It turns out that I didn't marry Matthew Morrison.  Though a lot of our friends say that S reminds them of Mr. Schuester and my high school students at The W. School told me they thought I was like Emma Pillsbury.  I chose to take that as a compliment on my adorableness and not a comment on my obvious neuroses.  But Emma doesn't sing so that doesn't really work.  Anyway...

I am certain that the addition of a piano to our family will lead to the realization of my fantasy.  S better start working on his ballad!  Hmmm...I wonder if S would agree to dressing like this:

INFJ

Have you ever taken a Meyer-Briggs personality test? After you take said test, you're given four letters to sum up how life's experiences and genetics shaped your personality. There are two options for each of the four descriptors:

(I) Introversion or (E) Extroversion
(S) Sensing or (N) Intuition
(T) Thinking or (F) Feeling
(J) Judging or (P) Perceiving

Sixteen possibilities emerge.

I am a INFJ and B is, depending on the day, an INFJ or an ENFJ. For men, INFJ is the rarest of personality types with something like 1-3% of the population falling into this category. For women, INFJ is also rare, but not the rarest. When you're talking about precious metals, rare is good. When you're talking about personality types, rare is not necessarily gold.

INFJs are described as complex, scheduled, methodical, systematic, abstract, reflective, quiet. Some words that do not describe INFJs are casual, spontaneous, practical, gregarious, enthusiastic. In other words, INFJs make great students but might have difficulty at a party.

Reflecting on my life, I've experienced this personality label to be true. During summer camp my adjective name was "Methodical Mike." I've journaled previously (not here) that I want a job where I can work one on one with individuals. Lord knows I tend to be quiet in a group, and people have always described me as calm and even keel.

But my co-workers also suggest--> complain that I am too rigid, and need to be more flexible. And since I'm not gregarious, I don't always communicate my need for a schedule or routine. When my expectations aren't met, frustrations follows. But if I had communicated those expectations up front, I might have been prepared for the disturbance...

Now imagine there are two people like this, living together in holy matrimony, trying to resolve deep, personal, and sensitive issues. At least on my end, I know I occasionally leave expectations implicit, I leave appreciation unsaid or under-expressed, and I shy away from group situations (which by attending and honestly expressing our situation in life could lead to normalization of our feelings). Remember when I said that INFJs are complex ...

Moving in together was difficult, and sometimes when things get difficult I freak out and think our life is doomed and our children won't get into a good college and our dog will never stop barking and biting our friends... But it doesn't occur to me to get to the work of acting on a problem by doing something loving or helpful for my partner. Re-discovering my personality archetype validates why marriage has been, at times, challenging. And why I need to be conscientious and deliberate in taking actions to make it work better.

Because S loves B, and B loves S.

Dr. Therapist

I mentioned earlier that S and I have been visiting Dr. Therapist, a counselor who deals with couples.  I always thought that going to see a Dr. Therapist or one of his colleagues was a sign of DANGER, a signal that a marriage is in trouble and there's no turning back.  Which, is kind of a stupid thing to think, because why would you put the time, energy, and money into seeing Dr. Therapist if it's not going to do any good?  Now I think that all newly married couples should find a Dr. Therapist to talk to.

We had "premarital counseling" just like everyone does with their pastor but ours amounted to three conversations that showed us that 1) we agree on most important issues, 2) we are good at filling in little bubbles and then listening patiently while our pastor explained the results of our test, 3) there is a lot of church conference gossip to share!  But we didn't have time to figure out why I get so incredibly angry when S forgets to take out the trash or why S won't tell me when he's frustrated with something I've done.  So, a year and a half into our marriage we decided to get some help with these things.  This was not an easy decision.  As a couple, S and I REALLY like to fix things ourselves, by ourselves, without any help (we also function this way individually which creates some interesting situations).  Just wait until we own our dwelling place.  It is very likely that you will never see us again because of all the projects we will find for ourselves.  But, we decided to go anyway.  Think of it as hiring a contractor to help with the really big jobs.

Here's the deal with marriage counseling.  I was afraid that if we talked to a therapist all these secret, deep-seated issues would surface and we would find out that we made a huge mistake and Dr. Therapist would tell us that we needed to go our separate ways in order to have any hope at happiness.  Eek!  I certainly didn't want that!  But, as it usually turns out, my biggest fear wasn't at all connected to reality.  I'm a chronic worrier so this wasn't a huge shock.

Instead, in our every-other-week or once-monthly sessions we have the exact same conversations that we've been having for about three years EXCEPT this time there is a third party present to look at us and say, "so what are you going to do about that?"  Oh.  You mean we should come up with a tangible solution?  Huh, we never though of that.  Dr. Therapist also reminds us that while our problems seem big to us, they are normal.  Like I've said before, my closest friends live far away and we're not able to have regular conversations about marriage, careers, and life.  When we do have these conversations we realize we are all having the same frustrations and can laugh and not be so worried about it.  But these normalizing moments are rare.  So, our insurance pays Dr. Therapist to help us realize this.  And now when S forgets something I told him three times, we can laugh about it and then he goes and puts it in his gmail calendar so we don't have to find a way to laugh at it again.  Yeah, sometimes something kind of unexpected comes up in our discussions but it's usually something we were sort of aware of before but weren't sure how to talk about.  And Dr. Therapist helps us stay productive and thoughtful rather than getting defensive.

We're also reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman which is a really good book based on 20 years of solid research.  We recommend it.

So, that's the big secret!  Seeing Dr. Therapist isn't scary or bad because S and I like each other, we love each other, we're best friends, and we want what's best for each other and our marriage so this is just one way to ensure that.

The Secret Life of Bs

Everyone has a blog, right? I have friends who have two or three blogs for their personal life, jobs, hobbies, kids, etc, etc, etc. While I was living in NYC I started blogging so that 1) I could comment on a friend's posts because I didn't understand how comments worked yet and thought you had to have a blogger account and 2) I could share what was happening in my life in the BIG CITY. Except, not much happened in my life in the BIG CITY. I mostly ruminated on why I was still single, what I should do with my life, why it was so difficult to make friends after college, and why I didn't have a job that I liked -- the basic stuff of today's facebook statuses. Then I went back to school and, lo and behold, got married. I wanted to have a place to write about marriage and share struggles and victories and information about what's going on with us but it just didn't seem right to share about S on a blog that didn't include S.

S has a xanga. 'Nuff said. It's time to move on.

So now here's my gripe about blogs, facebook, etc, etc, etc. It's f-a-k-e. It's all, "my life is so great! Here are pictures of my perfect spouse and my perfect kids and my perfect vacation and if I'm sad it's because of some great injustice, say, my job or the person that didn't give me exactly what I want." Side note: this is a gross over generalization. I, of course, have friends who write about real things and share their real lives with the social network, but you understand what I mean, right? But what people don't talk about is how they have doubts and marriage is hard and things aren't always clear. If they do talk about these things it's in more of a "my life sucks so let me tell you about it in a tweet" manner that leaves the reader going, "uh..."

I live far away from my closest friends and family. My best friend doesn't live around the corner and we can't share our daily worries and frustrations and help each other know that it's okay, I feel that way too. When I do have the moments with friends I immediately feel centered, grounded, normal, like I'm not the crazy in the corner while everyone else goes about their happy lives without a worry in the world. I haven't exactly run this by S but I'm hoping that this blog can be a place where we can share normalizing real-life experiences. We don't want to get into TMI territory but maybe let cats out of bags like the fact that we go (wait for it...) to see (wait for it...) a marriage counselor (shock! awe!).

Oh yeah, and we'll also show you pictures of our dog and tell you about the homemade doughnuts S has started making on a weekly basis and whether or not our tomatoes were a success this year.

Speaking of which, I leave you with this.

Hi Buddy :-)
photo by Carrie R. Richardson
carrierrichardson.com