More truth telling

I was out of town and now I'm back.  My little introvert self has to take several days to recover after spending time away with friends/family or having visitors at our house.  It's a personal "feature" that is so frustrating.  I love seeing people, so why does it take so much out of me?

But I digress.  I want to talk about another personal feature, depression and anxiety.  Whoo-hoo!  Get excited about this one!  You know how our little profile says we will tell the truth?  Well get ready for some truth telling, folks!

So here's the deal: you know how when you start something new, engagement, a job, moving, and, I imagine, having a baby, everyone says "Oh, how exciting!  You must be so happy, so excited, so thrilled, so in love, so hopeful, so amazingly perfect!" And, if it's a job or a move, you think, "yeah, I'm excited but I'm also scared and nervous and not quite totally 100% sure this is the right thing for me."  But if it's an engagement the only acceptable answer is, "Yes!  Absolutely!"

What's up with that?

Depression, anxiety, all that jazz is one thing during normal working hours and it sucks and I know far too many people who have dealt and are dealing with it in various forms but during the "happiest time of your life?"  Unacceptable.

S and I got engaged on June 16, 2007.  I spent the next three years struggling with depression and anxiety which means every time someone said, "You must be so _____!, " I lied to their face.  

Yeah, I know, you want to be absolutely, 100% sure about committing to a marriage, I get that, but are we ever 100% sure about anything?  Big events can trigger big responses.  For some people it's undeniable bliss, for others it's an impending sense of doom or, perhaps worse, an absence of emotion.  So what do you do?  Well, you don't really feel like you can talk to anyone because then you'll have to face the inevitable questions about whether or not you should go through with the wedding, questions you have been asking yourself for months and that you and your fiance have started discussing.  You've thought, "uh, maybe this is a horrible idea, worst you've ever had."  Yet, when you take off your engagement ring just to see what it feels like (the opposite of going to Tiffany's and pretending that you or a friend is getting engaged...you did that too, right?) or think about a future without your partner it doesn't make things feel better or alleviate the anxiety, it just makes you sad.  But, let's all be honest here, things aren't looking great for your marital future.

Fast forward ------> Things are so much better (thank you Dr. Therapist, thank you meds and then no thank you meds, and thank you coping mechanisms and things to look forward to) but, truthfully, I wish I could go back and redo many of those "happiest moments."  The one moment I wouldn't redo is when we said our vows.  That was the brief period of time that I had no anxiety or sadness and that gave me hope.

Vows make me happy!

So, what's the point of all this? Other than now you feel so sad for me.*

*If you feel so sad for me, I can suggest ways to cheer me up, perhaps involving shoes or the previously mentioned vacation package.  By the way, we are still waiting for our therapy graduation presents. Is this a not customary gift-giving occasion?  

The point is, or at least I think it is, that, um, I don't really know what the point is.  I guess maybe it's that we can resist the urge to insist that our "happiest times ever" be a frenzy of happiness, that we allow for normalcy even during exciting times and recognize that having a full range of emotions, even when you are receiving awesome wedding gifts, is normal and not a sign of horrible things to come.  And, when our loved ones are needing to question their choices, give them support without a side of guilt.

Or maybe I'm just bragging about how much S loves me because he stuck with me for three atrocious years, three years that included our wedding, our sad excuse for a honeymoon, moving, several career shifts for both of us, and Buddy (we love our Buddy).  Seriously folks, I don't know how he did it.

Let me sum up this way:

• sometimes life is happy
• sometimes life is sad
• sometimes we need help to be happy or even just regular (not normal...that's asking a little much)
• and, in the immortal words of the "How Are You?" song, "and that's OK!" 
• and it is.

The End.

A PSA from Dr. Oz

I struggle with anxiety.  I spent about two years being anxious about everything.  That was super fun.  Then I tried anti-anxiety medication which, unfortunately, made my anxiety worse in the longer term.  BUT then I caught a few seconds of Dr. Oz and he gave me a suggestion.  (See suggestion at 3:44.)

click on picture to go to the video

Things you should know about passion flower extract:

1. It comes from this awesome-looking flower.

2. It tastes kind of like prunes.  It's totally gross, but you mix it in water or some other beverage and then drink it really, really fast!

3. I got this kind at our health food store.  I don't think there is much difference between the brands.

4.  It really seems to work!  And if you are on anti-anxiety type medication, it shouldn't have any contraindications.  Passion flower isn't the only tool I'm using to combat my irrational anxiety but it certainly helps. 

That concludes today's public service announcement.

Congratulations are in order

Strike up the band!  Listen to the sweet strains of Pomp and Circumstance!

Did we tell you that we graduated from therapy?  Yes, we are very proud.  We have been waiting for our graduation gifts and, since they have not yet arrived, we are assuming it's because we forgot to tell you.

In case you have ever wondered how you know when you are through with therapy, from our experience, it is when your sessions begin resembling a bad dinner party where everyone feels like they should be there but they don't really have anything to contribute.  Then, at the end of the gathering, the host says, "So, just let me know when you want to do this again!"  Even though we all know you are never going to call him. 

And then you are healed!  Ta-da!

Appropriate "graduation from therapy" gifts include, but are not limited to, trips abroad, a down payment for a house, an all-inclusive resort vacation, or a new rice cooker to replace the one that just rebelled while S was making dinner.

The marriage book

Can you give the marriage book credit for helping your marriage if you grow closer together by making fun of the marriage book?  The marriage book is a good book and based on really good research with really good advice and exercises but it's written for all kinds of people, including those are a day or two away from divorce and wish they had a few more days.  Since we are not there, thank goodness, some of the scripts and such sound a little, um, extreme.  Our new favorite is in the chapter about "turning toward your partner."  Dr. Gottman talks about empathizing with your partner and not taking sides with their arch nemesis.  So if your partner feels wronged, you are supposed so say, "That's outrageous!", which we feel is an appropriate response for any sort of thoughtful or emotional expression.

 For example:

-I think I'm going to have ice cream

-That's outrageous!

-This towel is dirty.

-That's outrageous!

-Buddy did all his poops today.

-That's outrageous!

It's really helping our marriage.  

In fact, it's helping so much, we celebrated our second anniversary on Monday!

The 5-year Plan

Dr. Therapist tells us that it takes 5 years for married couples to grow accustomed to their life together and work out most of the ins and outs of daily life.  S and I are 1.92 years into our marriage so that means we still have 3.08 years of annoying each other, I mean, figuring stuff out.  I guess what he really means is don't put so much pressure on yourself to have everything settled in the first few days, months, years and don't panic if life together seems infinitely more complicated than life apart.

Dr. Therapist also has this to say about in-laws, "it takes time for that."  As in, it takes time to be happy about spending a holiday with your in-laws instead of wishing you were with your family of origin and other such situations.  I'm very close to my family of origin so this is a big freakin' challenge for me.  But I guess Dr. Therapist was right because at the family wedding a few weeks ago, I was genuinely excited to see the in-laws, both immediate and extended family, and then saying goodbye was truly sad.  A first!  Not that I didn't enjoy everyone's company on previous visits but you know, it's like the difference between your very best friend leaving after a visit and saying goodbye to the nice people you work with.  One is a slightly less heart-wrenching than the other.  But, on this occasion I moved closer to best friend territory.  It is reassuring to know that these relationships are developing, growing, and evolving and will continue to do so.

Dr. Therapist

I mentioned earlier that S and I have been visiting Dr. Therapist, a counselor who deals with couples.  I always thought that going to see a Dr. Therapist or one of his colleagues was a sign of DANGER, a signal that a marriage is in trouble and there's no turning back.  Which, is kind of a stupid thing to think, because why would you put the time, energy, and money into seeing Dr. Therapist if it's not going to do any good?  Now I think that all newly married couples should find a Dr. Therapist to talk to.

We had "premarital counseling" just like everyone does with their pastor but ours amounted to three conversations that showed us that 1) we agree on most important issues, 2) we are good at filling in little bubbles and then listening patiently while our pastor explained the results of our test, 3) there is a lot of church conference gossip to share!  But we didn't have time to figure out why I get so incredibly angry when S forgets to take out the trash or why S won't tell me when he's frustrated with something I've done.  So, a year and a half into our marriage we decided to get some help with these things.  This was not an easy decision.  As a couple, S and I REALLY like to fix things ourselves, by ourselves, without any help (we also function this way individually which creates some interesting situations).  Just wait until we own our dwelling place.  It is very likely that you will never see us again because of all the projects we will find for ourselves.  But, we decided to go anyway.  Think of it as hiring a contractor to help with the really big jobs.

Here's the deal with marriage counseling.  I was afraid that if we talked to a therapist all these secret, deep-seated issues would surface and we would find out that we made a huge mistake and Dr. Therapist would tell us that we needed to go our separate ways in order to have any hope at happiness.  Eek!  I certainly didn't want that!  But, as it usually turns out, my biggest fear wasn't at all connected to reality.  I'm a chronic worrier so this wasn't a huge shock.

Instead, in our every-other-week or once-monthly sessions we have the exact same conversations that we've been having for about three years EXCEPT this time there is a third party present to look at us and say, "so what are you going to do about that?"  Oh.  You mean we should come up with a tangible solution?  Huh, we never though of that.  Dr. Therapist also reminds us that while our problems seem big to us, they are normal.  Like I've said before, my closest friends live far away and we're not able to have regular conversations about marriage, careers, and life.  When we do have these conversations we realize we are all having the same frustrations and can laugh and not be so worried about it.  But these normalizing moments are rare.  So, our insurance pays Dr. Therapist to help us realize this.  And now when S forgets something I told him three times, we can laugh about it and then he goes and puts it in his gmail calendar so we don't have to find a way to laugh at it again.  Yeah, sometimes something kind of unexpected comes up in our discussions but it's usually something we were sort of aware of before but weren't sure how to talk about.  And Dr. Therapist helps us stay productive and thoughtful rather than getting defensive.

We're also reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman which is a really good book based on 20 years of solid research.  We recommend it.

So, that's the big secret!  Seeing Dr. Therapist isn't scary or bad because S and I like each other, we love each other, we're best friends, and we want what's best for each other and our marriage so this is just one way to ensure that.