This is for Sarah

This post is for Sarah -- 

Who checks my blog religiously even though I've been at her house for three days and she knows I haven't posted anything.

Who has been my best friend for over half my life.

Who reminds me that we haven't changed too much since high school.  We still get the same haircuts, buy the same clothes, and are great craft buddies - though onesies weren't in our line up 16 years ago.

Who believes in the power of sugar.

Who is a wonderful mom to this little girl who I love and who is totally rockin' her new onesie. 

Who makes me laugh and about whom I have stories that still make me giggle.

Who really needed something to read so she became the subject of an entire blog post. 

This is for Sarah. :-)

"All failure is fleeting"

Earlier this week I made the comment to a friend that it felt like the first two weeks of March pooped on my face. I still have a home, my family, food in my refrigerator and pantry, and much to be thankful for but a few really big things in my life felt like they were falling apart.

I was all set to write up a post about how excited I was about March - flowers blooming, warmer weather, my birthday, a visit from my parents, and finding out about grad school.  Then February 28th arrived and the poop began to fall.

First a crisis in our marriage. I had to drive to Dallas with only Buddy for company and shed a lot of tears.  It's turning out alright, dare I say even wonderful; it's still there though, the pain and hurt that comes with a crisis.  I came home and things are good but my parents canceled their visit and then I got a bladder infection. 

But, it's okay!  My birthday was around the corner!  And we were going to make it wonderful!

Until I get not one but TWO rejection letters from schools where I applied for PhD programs.  I'm waitlisted at the other.  SMASH!  Goodbye dream...

Then S had to work on school stuff the whole weekend before my birthday when we were, you know, gonna celebrate.

Then it rained on my birthday. 

Then I only got two 3-day for the Cure donations on my birthday when I was aiming for 29.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was beginning to feel like the universe was just closing one door after another.

See, the thing is, this was supposed to be my year.  I've felt like I have been biding my time in the ATL during the past three years while S does his school and work stuff and now it was my turn!  As I approach 30 I was going to get to move forward toward my education and career goals, motherhood, creative pursuits, this was going to be THE YEAR!  No more standing in place, treading water, waiting for my ship to come in, etc, etc.

It's only March, I guess it can still be my year, but the year's going to have to do some extra credit work to get that designation now.

A few days have past, I'm a little more calm, a little less teary, and don't feel like a complete and absolute failure every hour of every day.  But I am still discouraged and disappointed and frustrated with my current circumstances.

Then today I came across this song on another blog.

I love this song.  It might seem a little cheesy but it lifts me up and makes me happy.  I went right over itunes and downloaded her album.

So now, here are some things for which I am thankful:
1) amazing friends who showed me so much love these past two weeks
2) amazing family who showed me so much love these past two weeks
3) a marriage worth fighting for
4) the azaleas that are about to bloom
5) Buddy
6) granny squares and making a blanket like this
7) fresh flowers on my pretty white table
8) the pretty dress that I found for my concert that I can also wear someday when I have a "passenger" on board
9) cookies
10) believing in my dream enough to try again next year if need be
11) the awesome white necklace I made that looks like this
12) life still being full of possibilities
13) being 29, even with the bumpy start
14) getting more birthday cards this year than, well, ever
15) my birthday present from S, a visit from my mom!
16) going to Alaska two weeks from today
17) physicians on call and 24-hour pharmacies
18) a husband who thinks I'm worth it
19) McDonald's $1 sweet tea
20) the second half of March! out like a lamb, right?

We're working on plans A, B, and C now that "go wherever B goes to school" doesn't seem to be working out.  Still keeping my fingers crossed to move off that waitlist!  It's not what I hoped for, not what I expected, not what my mentors assured me would happen, but it's okay. 

You tell me, don't try it

I'm warning you that I won't buy it
All failure is fleeting
I trust it always has its meaning 

-Mindy Gledhill 

Navigating the Crazy

I just read a post from a favorite blogger about her postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter and how she's preparing for the birth of her son in a few weeks. I worry about this. She writes about how she's so angry about her depression, how it robbed her of the joy and happiness that she thought she deserved to have after her child was born. I've written a little bit about my experience with depression after S and I got engaged that extended into our first two years of marriage. I am angry too. I'm angry that I cried more out of frustration than joy during that time period. I'm angry that our first year of marriage was overshadowed by this specter of sadness and anxiety. I'm angry that is took S down with me. I'm angry that I didn't feel like I could be honest about how I was feeling.

And I am grateful that we've made it this far and made it together.

There's a term for depression after giving birth. Whether Tom Cruise thinks it's real or not, it turns out more women deal with this than we ever thought and I am glad that so many people are coming forward to talk about it. There's not a term for depression after other seemingly joyous occasions, except just depression, but I think we can still talk about it.

Before I read this blogger's post, here's what I thought: Oh man, she's super cute and she writes hilariously and she makes super cute stuff and sells it on etsy and she gets like lots of comments and she has this great kid and this super cute husband and her life is obviously infinitely better than man and I suck and use the phrase "super cute" more often than any 28-year-old ever should. Tells you more about me than it does about her, right?

So, here's my plea: Please be real. If you social media-ize and it's not to make money or promote a business, please be your real self, flaws and all. Please turn off the "here's why I'm awesome" show and let us see you fail, not so we feel sorry for you but because we all do and sometimes it feels like I'm the only one. I love it when my DYI bloggers post about a project and halfway through tell us, "then I hated it and I cried and we made 15 trips to Home Depot and I cried some more and then it worked." Oh, so you're not perfect. Thank goodness!

Sometime S and I are sad about something and we don't talk about it for a while until one of us says, "um, I'm a little bit sad about this" and the other one will say "um, I'm a little bit sad about that too" and then we might share a few tears and talk and by the end it all seems manageable because we realize that it's not just one of us, we're not alone, and the enormity of whatever it was that was bothering us is greatly reduced.

I think life with friends should be the same way, don't you? "I feel a little bit crazy." "I feel a little bit crazy too." "Oh, well then, let's navigate the crazy together."

Maybe I should rename our blog. Let's call it Navigating the Crazy Together.