Too many words

I live life with too many words.  Most of them in my head, some out in the world.

Talk myself into things.
Talk myself out of things.
Explain myself.
Excuse myself.
Express myself.
Freak out.
Be intellectual.
Try to impress.
Talk others into things.
Talk others out of things.
And LOVE ME!  LOVE ME!  Please?

A few years ago I decided to embrace monotasking.  I do okay.  It's kept me from getting a smart phone because I am convinced that everything can wait.

This year: more imagery, less monologue.  More living life, less talking about living life. 

Ironically, I have no images to share.

Love/Hate

I'm developing a love/hate relationship with Facebook, heavy on the hate.  Maybe you guys have developed a healthy relationship with this social experience but I have not.  Perhaps the things I describe are exactly how you interact with folks and it works for you and leaves you feeling more connected to the people in your life.  That's a great thing.  This is only about my inability to maintain healthy relationships through The Book, not an indictment of others.  And maybe you have similar experiences and can offer suggestions on how to stay "connected" while maintaining authentic connections.

I spend way too much time looking at other people's lives instead of living my own.  I often think, "how narcissistic can people be to think that their lives are this interesting?" and then I realize that I'm reading what they wrote and spending a portion of my life thinking about it so I guess they were right in the first place.  I realized before Thanksgiving that I only take pictures if I think they are going to worthy of sharing via social media or the blog.  I used to take pictures of everything all the time!  And I love looking at my old pictures even though most of them wouldn't mean a thing to anyone else.  I talk to my friends rarely because it's expected that I'll learn about what's going on in their lives via their posts when all I'm really getting is a sanitized version of the events of their lives.  I see that friends are pregnant or moved or whatever and they look lovely and happy and perfect but I don't know how they feel about these things.  I don't know if they are scared or disappointed or questioning or excited about something silly or need to recommend a flavor of frozen yogurt.  And they don't know those things about me because we don't actually talk.  I hate that.

If I don't care about how you are dealing with the big events in your life, then we are not really friends and I shouldn't be investing time and energy into thinking about your vacation in the first place.

Plus, it turns us all into bitchy teenagers.  Maybe not outwardly and maybe not you, but for many, it does, myself included.  Sometimes I think I'm going to whittle my friends list down to the people who I actually see or would speak to on the phone but then I message that guy from high school who's a realtor or that girl I met once who flips houses or that friend of a friend who is a construction manager for suggestions and advice (all happened in the past month) and I think, hmmm, this is kind of handy.

So I think I'm going to extract myself from daily interactions with the Book of Face.  I've removed the shortcut from my browser's toolbar.   I'm going to reset my preferences so that I get emails when I have invitations or messages.  But I'm not going to check it everyday.  When we get our house (fingers still crossed) or, one day, hopefully (prayerfully, impatiently, why isn't this freaking working out) have a baby, I'll share pictures and small updates here and there but I probably won't saturate my wall with photos.  Because I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons.  The whole world doesn't need to see pictures of my life or know what I did today.  The world does not actually care, no matter how much I wish it would.

I'm going to make a commitment to live my life for myself and for my family and not for anyone else.  I'm making a commitment in 2012 to live in the moment and not for the moment as it will be captured on the internet for all eternity.  If nobody knows about the awesome dinner I made?  That's fine.  If you don't see all the Christmas gifts that I made this year?  No biggie (even thought they are really, REALLY cute!).  If I don't post about how awesome my husband is, that's okay, I probably told him to his face and it really doesn't matter if anyone else knows it.

all illustrations via pinterest.com

Anyway...I'm extracting myself.  Here's what I think I'll share: big announcements, information I think colleagues and friends would find interesting or would make them smile, and requests for help (for example, right now I need a good HVAC person!).  I pledge to check the aforementioned website only once a day, hopefully taking it down to once or twice a week.  The time that I did spend with the website, I am going to try to spend with actual real-life people either in person or on the phone, hearing their actual real-life voice.  If something big happens in your life and you want me to know about it, I would love to talk to you!  If you are feeling low and need to vent, I would love to talk to you.  Let's create real support, real celebration, and real relationships in 2012! 

From Mission Amy KR

A video.  Say Something Nice.



From WBEZ Chicago this is "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" 

No, that's not right, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself!  I'll try that again...

From WBEZ Chicago, it's a great video originally posted on Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Mission Amy KR blog.

Didn't understand the "Wait, Wait" reference?  Allow me to introduce you to my friend, Peter Sagal.

Facebook guilt

I suffer from the all-pervasive Facebook envy.  You know, where everybody's life looks perfect and it feels like yours is falling apart and you scream "WHY GOD?  WHY!?" and then go take a nap.

But I also have Facebook guilt.  My brother writes "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" on the walls of all his "friends" on their birthdays.  Everyday.  Or he used to, I cannot say with certainty that he still does.  I do not do this.  Part of it is my woefully lacking self-esteem that has emerged over the past few months and making me more like Eeyore than I care to admit, as in "they probably don't care if I wish them happy birthday anyway."  (I'm working on this, really.)  I also do not comment on every birth, every engagement, every marriage, every job promotion, every new house, or every vaguely sad post.  I see people who do and I think, you don't know that person any more than I do and yet you feel compelled to comment?  And then I feel guilty.

Should I comment?  Should I "like"?  Am I compelled to be emotionally invested in the goings-on of your daily life simply because I once knew you 10 years ago?  I don't have the energy!  And if it weren't for the internet, I probably wouldn't even be thinking about you!  But still, the Facebook guilt, it lingers.

So I've taken to "hiding" the people about whom I do not really care.  I mean, I care in the general way that I care about humanity, but I'm not going to get in a tizzy over your every move.  I like to think that I'm looking out for my emotional resources and creating healthy barriers in my interactions with my social network but, really, I'm just avoiding the guilt.  Potayto, potahto.

Under Construction

If you really squint, back there, behind that barrier, you can see my life.  It's tiny, but it's there.  It's undergoing some major renovations.

A year ago I was busy applying to PhD programs at three schools.  Busy, busy, busy.  Making my dream come true!  Fast forward several months and I was licking my wounds after being rejected by all three schools.  Ouch!

I fully intended to apply to schools again for next fall.  I have an spreadsheet all laid out with schools all over the world to compare and contrast.  A few weeks ago I took the brand spankin' new GRE - just four days after it was released!  What?  That doesn't sound exciting?  Like going to the opening weekend of Harry Potter all decked out in your wizard gear?

But then I started thinking about my life and what I want it to look like with lots of specifics.  I want a lot of freedom.  I want to be surrounded by creativity.  I want to see my yet-to-be-born kids and S everyday but I also want projects that help bring people together.  I want to use my skills.  I want to LOVE where I live.  I want to get up every morning excited to meet the day.  And cue the music...and the idealism...

Okay, that's a lot to ask.  And I thought be a professor would get me as close as I was going to get to my dream.  But then I had visions, like Miss Cleo type visions.  I saw myself in school, working my rear off, while also trying to start a family, and staying up all night trying to finish papers and a dissertation and regretting that I couldn't give enough attention to my work or my family.  Then seven years down the line, I have a completed book, a degree in hand, and I am Dr. B!  And I still can't find a job because you have to fight tooth and nail for a tenure-track position and then, even if I find a position, it might be somewhere we hate and never wanted to live in the first place.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!  That sounds horrible!  And it might not end up that way at all, but you know what?  I am not willing to risk it.  And then I had a revelation.  In the shower, of course.

To get the life I want, I have to CREATE the life I want.

Duh.  But seriously, I'm not going to find my dream job because my dream job is just that, something I dreamed up, and if I am waiting for someone else to give me that job then I have a whole lotta waiting ahead of me.  During the next few days, in quick succession, I was inspired.

I was inspired by this

Camp Wandawega as featured on The Lettered Cottage

 

and this

 

Kinfolk 

and this 

 

John C. Campbell Folk School

 After another shower, I opened a new document on our desktop title "THE DREAM -a working document to chart a joyful life" and started putting to paper what I imagined for our life.  When S got home that night I said, "uh, I have something to show you, let me know what you think."  Luckily, he thought it was great and then his Libra mind started planning out a step by step process to make THE DREAM happen while my little Pisces heart was still carrying the idea around to see how it "feels."

It's in the early stages so I'm not read to make any announcements or anything.  We've given ourselves a five year plan to get things started and I've decided to not apply to PhD programs right now.  Instead I'm looking at great schools that have Master of Arts Administration (or Management) degrees 100% online (there are exactly three).

Whenever it does all come together, we'll let you know and hopefully in a few years you'll be able to join us!  We should have plenty of room.

No more mistakes

We have a new policy in the B.S. household:  No more mistakes.

Yes, we will probably make a lot of mistakes.  But we are not allowed to look at any decision and think "OMG!  We made a horrible mistake!"

Because that's what I've thought about every single decision I've ever made.  It might sound like an exaggeration but it's not.  I still second guess purchasing the car that I've owned for five years.  I recently decided that living like that is exhausting and leads to a lot of regret.  Which sucks and is no way to live.

So no more mistakes!  If something doesn't work out, that's fine, we'll regroup and work together to figure it out.

We're approaching a time of MAJOR transition.  Things aren't exactly falling into place for our move and it's really scary and now we have to make a lot of decisions with no clear path.  So...there is a lot of second guessing going on but we're putting a stop to it.  No more mistakes!

Anything that happens, any direction we go, it will be where we need to go at that time and if we need to make a change later, it's okay. 

Didn't get the job? 
That just means that there's a better one out there.

Nothing falling into place where we're going? 
Maybe we need to broaden our search.

Timing doesn't seem to be working out at all? 
Oh well.  No biggie.

I'm probably still going to do a lot of second guessing, but I'm working really hard to just live my life rather than analyzing it with "what ifs" and "OMGs!"  So far, it's going pretty well.

The trouble with dreams

"A woman with dreams always has problems."
-Maya Soetoro-Ng (as quoted in Newsweek)

Maybe it's because we have a lot of transitions happening at once.  Maybe it's because I'm approaching 30.  Maybe it's because I have so much I want to do with my life and it feels like the clock is ticking and has been for some time.  Whatever it is, the complexities that come with being a woman are suddenly very real to me.

I've always had big dreams for myself.  Sometimes I wanted to be a cab driver/doctor/ballerina.  Sometimes I wanted to be a Broadway star.  Sometimes I wanted to be a teacher.  Sometimes I wanted to be lawyer.  Sometimes I wanted to be an artist.  Now I want to get a PhD and read, write, and teach for a living.  Not in a "well, I guess if I have to get a job this will work" sorta way but in a "this is my soul's deep need for meaningful work" sorta way.

I wanted to get married and be a mom when I was a kid but was it my "dream"?  Not really.  Whenever I was asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I never answered "a mommy."

But I do want to be a mommy. A good one.  And a wonderful wife and partner in my unique and beautiful and complicated marriage.

And I want to be Dr. B and publish and travel and connect to the world with my research and teaching.  And I never thought that I couldn't do it or that anyone wouldn't want me to do it.  Until now.

Let me be clear: S wants me to do it.  He'll do whatever it takes to make my dreams reality.  But it's not easy for him either.

I'm keenly aware of the women's movement and feminism and the long history of and continued struggle for equal rights.  In fact, I have wondered, am I only wanting all these things because I know how other women were denied these opportunities and how many had to fight tooth-and-nail for whatever they did accomplish?  I've thought long and hard about that and I'm pretty sure that's not my driving force, but I do think of those women.  I am a feminist.  Growing up I assumed everyone born after 1980 would consider themselves a feminist because, uh, hello?  But I was WRONG.

I'm all for my fellow young women deciding to stay home and raise kids or whatever they choose to do, that's wonderful.  Good for them!  And, though I don't see that being my path, I cannot entirely eliminate it.  Who knows what the future will bring?  However, it is not my dream.  To do that I would have to willingly and consciously give up on my dream.  Granted, maybe not forever, but the likelihood of seeing that dream through would greatly diminish.

Here's what I didn't see coming:  The subtle resistance to my choices by people of all stripes.  The conflict and tough decisions that are inherent in a two-career family.  The unconscious expectations that I carry with me and whisper in my ear "stop being so selfish, it'll never work out anyway."

During the last year whenever I shared that I was applying to PhD programs people asked over and over again, "And your husband's just going to follow you wherever you go?"  Uh, yeah?  How do you think I ended up in Atlanta?  I didn't have a job here.  I didn't have friends or family here.  I wasn't in school here.  But no one looked at me incredulously and asked, "And you're just going to follow him wherever he goes?"  See, no one is being mean or unkind or calling me an uppity woman, but those little comments get to you after a while.  They start making you think, am I asking too much?  Am I ruining his life?  Am I being unreasonable?

No, of course not!

And what about S?  What about his career?  He doesn't have a clear goal like I do but he wants to provide for his family and he has some idea about what he wants to accomplish with this master's degree he'll finish in a year.  We don't know the answer to this one.  But I can say that we are getting better at talking about it and imagining it and trying not to worry about it.  However, I know that there are people who worry that my choices, my dreams, will threaten his chance for achievement.

And what about my own expectations?  What about the stories that I've internalized about what it means to be a woman and a "good" wife and a "good" mother?  They are there and I didn't even realize it until, well, this week.  They've been there in the back of my mind like an annoying and destructive Jiminy Cricket telling me, "You know, a good wife wouldn't worry so much about her own goals.  A good woman would be happy with this amazing man she managed to marry and leave it at that."  What!?  What's wrong with you evil talking cricket?  Leave me alone!

So a woman with dreams has problems.  Maybe so.

I also know that a woman without dreams is not problem-free. (Who doesn't have dreams?)

And a woman with dreams who stamps them down and tries to ignore them turns into some crazy heroine from 19th-century feminist literature.  Nobody benefits from that.

It's exhausting, right?  Sheesh!  All for a silly degree and a job.  Yet, that silly degree and that job are going to make me a better wife and partner.  They are going to make me a better mom.  They are going to make me a better friend and a better daughter and a better person because they will allow me to live into myself, live into my potential.  Those non-familial, non-relational achievements will be the result of hard work and, yes, some sacrifice, and my family and my friends will benefit from a happier and healthier me.

So I think it's worth it.  Problems and all.

Forward, march!

The other day S told me, "I posted something on the blog.  It's a little different from the usual posts about babies and crafts."

Excuse me?  What did you say?  What are you trying to insinuate, mister?

We don't have a baby!  So, really just crafts.  Get it right!

Finally, FINALLY I am starting to feel some forward motion in my life.  Nothing's really happening, nothing new anyway, but something kicked me out of the rut that I was calling home. 

My home sweet rut looked something like this-

I should look for a job in OKC, eh...
I should practice something musical that I do for a living, eh...
Go for a run?  eh...
You're doing that 3-day thing again, maybe you should fund raise, eh...
Call your friend, eh...
Let's choose some more PhD programs!  eh...

Sensing a theme?  Do you get this way or is it just my lazy self?  

Well, I sold the rut for a nice profit (changed the flooring, added an island to the kitchen...it really brought up the value) and am moving forward slowly.  Moving forward slowly looks something like this-

Oh, there's my resume.  
I could do that job, I guess.
Good morning Buddy, let's get out of bed.
Call the dentist.
Roast a chicken.

I'm headed downstairs now to roast a chicken.  I am terrified of the giblets that I will have to extract.  Terrified.  Wish me luck. 

Psst...I want to make an envy-inducing slide show of our Alaska pictures to share on here but I am not motivated to figure out how to do it!  Any suggestions?

Officially official

I got word on Monday that I will definitely not be going back to school this fall.  Not happy news.  Round two of PhD applications will begin soon.

In the meantime, we are moving to Oklahoma City for one year beginning in July.  I'll admit, it's not my first choice, but there are some good thins about returning to the OKC.  I will now list some of them for you.

1. We'll be closer to our niece and our soon-to-be niece or nephew and S's whole family.
2. We'll be closer to my brother and perhaps his significant other and my parents and my grandparents.
3. We can help my parents fix up their house in OKC (they moved to the DFW area a while back) to get ready to sell sometime soon.
4. S can finally finish a master's degree.  Since he has two halves of two degrees, this will be nice for him.
5. Buddy might get to have a backyard.
6. We can reconnect with friends and the coffee shop location of our first date.
7. Maybe, just maybe, we can begin to grow our family.
8. I can work on getting published and learning languages and refining my applications.
9. When three of my best friends visit their families in Tulsa (with their born and yet-to-be-born babies!) I can see them too!

I'll have to take the GRE again since my scores expired in October.  Bleh!  But this time around I'm married to a math teacher so that might come in handy.  We might be moving into my parents' house, which doesn't really seem like a step forward, does it?  But they don't live there so maybe it's not so bad.  And there are LOTS of projects to take up our time at their house.  I've already redone the entire kitchen in my head. 

I might have had a teeny tiny breakdown over this turn of events, but I'm a little bit better now.  I listed nine positive things about moving back to OK for a while so I must be totally great!  Right?

Now I need to find a job.  Help? 

Weekend update

A quick update for our friends and family.

Where we are living next year: TBD
What I am doing next year: TBD
What S is doing next year: TBD
What Buddy is doing next year: eating, playing, sleeping, and pooping - location TBD

What I am doing this afternoon: laundry, groceries, Drop Dead Diva on Netflix, and picking up S from the airport - order TBD

It's almost April and we still don't know where we're going in July.  NC for grad school?  OK for a year of preparation before a second go at grad school?

S is making all sorts of plans- applying for jobs, applying the school, creating spreadsheets for his ambitious non-profit startup.

I made a wreath and a menu board.  I am at a bit of a standstill.

I need structure to be productive (aside from craft projects).  Please structure, appear in my life!

Coming up: I just finished reading this book.   Time to discuss!

"All failure is fleeting"

Earlier this week I made the comment to a friend that it felt like the first two weeks of March pooped on my face. I still have a home, my family, food in my refrigerator and pantry, and much to be thankful for but a few really big things in my life felt like they were falling apart.

I was all set to write up a post about how excited I was about March - flowers blooming, warmer weather, my birthday, a visit from my parents, and finding out about grad school.  Then February 28th arrived and the poop began to fall.

First a crisis in our marriage. I had to drive to Dallas with only Buddy for company and shed a lot of tears.  It's turning out alright, dare I say even wonderful; it's still there though, the pain and hurt that comes with a crisis.  I came home and things are good but my parents canceled their visit and then I got a bladder infection. 

But, it's okay!  My birthday was around the corner!  And we were going to make it wonderful!

Until I get not one but TWO rejection letters from schools where I applied for PhD programs.  I'm waitlisted at the other.  SMASH!  Goodbye dream...

Then S had to work on school stuff the whole weekend before my birthday when we were, you know, gonna celebrate.

Then it rained on my birthday. 

Then I only got two 3-day for the Cure donations on my birthday when I was aiming for 29.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was beginning to feel like the universe was just closing one door after another.

See, the thing is, this was supposed to be my year.  I've felt like I have been biding my time in the ATL during the past three years while S does his school and work stuff and now it was my turn!  As I approach 30 I was going to get to move forward toward my education and career goals, motherhood, creative pursuits, this was going to be THE YEAR!  No more standing in place, treading water, waiting for my ship to come in, etc, etc.

It's only March, I guess it can still be my year, but the year's going to have to do some extra credit work to get that designation now.

A few days have past, I'm a little more calm, a little less teary, and don't feel like a complete and absolute failure every hour of every day.  But I am still discouraged and disappointed and frustrated with my current circumstances.

Then today I came across this song on another blog.

I love this song.  It might seem a little cheesy but it lifts me up and makes me happy.  I went right over itunes and downloaded her album.

So now, here are some things for which I am thankful:
1) amazing friends who showed me so much love these past two weeks
2) amazing family who showed me so much love these past two weeks
3) a marriage worth fighting for
4) the azaleas that are about to bloom
5) Buddy
6) granny squares and making a blanket like this
7) fresh flowers on my pretty white table
8) the pretty dress that I found for my concert that I can also wear someday when I have a "passenger" on board
9) cookies
10) believing in my dream enough to try again next year if need be
11) the awesome white necklace I made that looks like this
12) life still being full of possibilities
13) being 29, even with the bumpy start
14) getting more birthday cards this year than, well, ever
15) my birthday present from S, a visit from my mom!
16) going to Alaska two weeks from today
17) physicians on call and 24-hour pharmacies
18) a husband who thinks I'm worth it
19) McDonald's $1 sweet tea
20) the second half of March! out like a lamb, right?

We're working on plans A, B, and C now that "go wherever B goes to school" doesn't seem to be working out.  Still keeping my fingers crossed to move off that waitlist!  It's not what I hoped for, not what I expected, not what my mentors assured me would happen, but it's okay. 

You tell me, don't try it

I'm warning you that I won't buy it
All failure is fleeting
I trust it always has its meaning 

-Mindy Gledhill 

Big Babies

First my friend Jennifer shared about a million awesome blogs which forced me to finally use my Google reader to keep track of everything.  Why did I not use this before?  So much easier!

Then one of my favorites, kind over matter, posted about Jonathan Mead and linked to an article he for Zen Habits called "How to Stop Acting Like Such a Big Baby."  I love this.  I think my favorite part might be the opening quote.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain 

but it takes character and self control 

to be understanding and forgiving.” 

—Dale Carnegie  

I have one of those complaint free world bracelets.  It lives on my pen holder.

But I forget.  We loooooooove to complain, don't we?  Especially when we think we have an audience.  Facebook statuses, I'm lookin' at you.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good venting as much as the next girl but I try to be picky and choosy about where I spend that energy. 

Back to the million and a half blogs that I follow now, the one that I am newly enamored of, the one that I want to make out with, is Kelly Rae Roberts.  Be my friend?

Let's be useful...

As well as ornamental. Shall we?

My grandma, who we call Precious, says this.
Which means my mom, who we call mom, says this.
Which means that I, who we call me, says this too.

My mom & her mom

Me & my mom

Here's the thing, I am at home A LOT. A LOT as in all day most days except for about on hour each afternoon and Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. So, amazing right? So much time at home, so much time to do so much.

Except, I suck at being at home. I'm really bad at it. Really. I sleep in, I wonder around trying to think of things to do, none of which seem right. I want to be lazy and then feel guilty for being lazy. I calculate how much money I could make for our family if I had another job that filled these hours. I panic about my future and what if I never find a career that fills these hours with meaningful work and what if I am miserable forever and what if nothing ever works out!?

Ugh. Shut that lady up already. See what I have to put up with all day? She's so obnoxious.

I think my biggest problem is that I can't seem to find a way to be useful. I want to be used (in a good way) to do something to make the world a better place each day but most of the time I just hang out on facebook and wait for people to post stuff.

"There is a world of difference between being a woman and being an old female. If you're born a girl, grow up, and live long enough, you can become an old female. But, to become a woman is a serious matter. A woman takes responsibility for the time she takes up and the space she occupies." - Maya Angelou

This is where I fail. I wait for other people to tell me how to be useful, to give me a responsibility, rather than taking it upon myself to create something new each day.

Another challenge is that you can't do this by yourself and in our current location I have not found those friends and colleagues who inspire me, push me, encourage me, and give me the little "oomphs" that I need to do on a daily basis. I wish I didn't need the oomphs, but I do, it's just how I'm wired I guess. I have S but that is a mighty big responsibility for one person.

We have about six more months here in Georgia before we are off on our next adventure (aka we have absolutely no idea what's next). I really hope I can find a way to be useful.

But if I can't, could you possibly increase the frequency of your facebook and blog posts? It would really help me pass the time.

Drake and Buddy

Followers of the blog are well aware of Buddy, B and I's four legged child. But you might not be fully aware of Drake. When I was in late middle school/early high school we adopted a white west highland terrier. The name Drake comes from a video game called Legend of Legaia which, at that time, was my favorite.


Drake now lives with my mom in Broken Arrow, OK, so I only get to see him once or twice a year. But before I left for college, Drake and I were inseparable. The phrase "man's best friend" was invented to describe Drake and I's friendship. This picture above is what Drake would look like, if we could keep his hair clean for longer than 2 minutes.

Drake doesn't shed, which is a good thing. But a corollary of not shedding is the same dirty hair stays attached the dog for eternity. Buddy's hair remains white as the driven snow, partially because he sheds an entire coats worth of hair in 24 hours. Fresh hair = clean hair = Buddy is always white = our couch is always covered in hair. Not Drake. As a result Drake leaves less hair in the house, but a more accurate name for his breed might be "off-white west highland terrier."

I brought my computer into the living room early this morning to work on my lesson plans* which turned into watching videos on NFL.com. Right now is a good time for this, as my Atlanta Falcons have a 12-2 record, only matched by the New England Patriots. If they can beat the Saints on Monday night and secure home field advantage throughout the playoffs, they'll have a great chance of playing the big game in Arlington.

One of the things I love about the Falcons and their head coach, Mike Smith, is that are a balanced, intentional, and consistent football team. They do not have as many "big plays" as the Eagles, Patriots, or Chargers. There aren't as many spectacular highs during their games where they take a big chance and succeed! And there aren't as many lows where take a chance and fail. But they can pound the ball down your throat drive after drive after drive. After the first half of the Seahawks game, the Falcons had twice as many plays as Seattle! This is especially impressive considering the Seahawks started the first half with the ball!

I'm about to make a potentially absurd correlation between two distinct idea, but bear with me. Or stop reading, either way here I go:

The Falcons are a successful low-risk team and the Patriots are a successful high-risk team. If these two teams represent two philosophies of life, I would choose the Falcons over the Patriots. If the Falcons represent a life philosophy of measured, intentional, and (dare I say?) conservative living, then the Patriots represent more emotional, daring, and risky behavior. I'm averse to drastic fluctuations of emotions. Super highs following by crushing lows... That's probably why I was ready to move on from being a teenager by age 14. It's also probably why I get frustrated working with 14/15-year-olds. Their lives are the swings of a pendulum.

Recently I've spent alot of time thinking about my emotional life. In college I was described as "steady," "even keel," and "consistent." I interpreted these descriptions as very positive comments. Recently I've been described as reserved, distant, and difficult to relate to -- a decidedly negative spin. My behavior hasn't changed, I don't think. I'm not sure why the interpretation has changed. Possibly as my friends/community have changed their expectations for emotional depth and connection have changed. Also as my primary role/identity has changed the expectations for relational depth have changed as well.

No conclusions here, because I'm not sure how to think about all of this (Notice I didn't say how to "feel" about this). On the one hand I want to be a more emotional personal because I think it will help me to develop deeper connections with more people. However, I honestly find it difficult. Enter the Falcons/Patriots analogy. If the Falcons are going to win the big game, will they need to change their game plan and take risks down the field? Or if they stick to their strengths will they be more successful? My money is on sticking with what has worked in the past, both for the Falcons and myself.

-S

Parenting Taboos

Since we're into truth telling around here, I thought this little presentation was fascinating for our child-bearing and non-child-bearing friends alike.

Parent friends, what do you think?

I remember before I got married I got so sad when I heard the "truths" about marriage, such as "you don't like each other ALL the time" and "the next 50 years aren't just like your first year of dating."  Well, maybe not for YOU...but we're different!

But, um, guess what?  We're unique just like everybody else.  I suppose our parenting life will be just as unique.

I really like their ideas about "collectively bending the baseline of happiness upward."  When you feel like the "failure" because your (and supposedly everyone's) expectations aren't met it is nearly impossible to feel happy or even content.  But adjust those expectations, not lower - just adjust, and your ability to "succeed" suddenly becomes significantly enhanced and you discover that nobody is succeeding at the mythical magical life that you imagine based on their Facebook profile, blog, Christmas letter, and general perfect exterior.

Then, whew, what a relief!

It might make you cry...

But this is a really sweet story from this month's Real Simple magazine.

"Inside the God Box" by Mary Lou Quinlan

 

Know the symptoms

Of baby fever:
When your high school best friend uses the phrase "my daughter" to describe the little one growing in her belly when writing on her blog and it makes you cry.

It's serious stuff folks.  These symptoms should not be ignored.

Also know these symptoms:

This book will change your life

Seriously, it will.

I'm friends with NPR on facebook.  We hang out.  In September they posted this story about three self-help books worth reading.  I don't really have strong feelings about fung shui, I like my systems, and the third book is really freakin' long, but the other one, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom is wonderful.  

It is written by Don Miguel Ruiz and is based on Toltec wisdom.  I'm still not sure what that means but I do know that I like it.  So here are the four agreements (from the inside of the dust jacket):


1. Be impeccable with your word.  Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.


2. Don't take anything personally.  Nothing others do is because of your.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.


3. Don't make assumptions.  Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.


4. Always do your best.  Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.


He has some weird thoughts about abuse but, those thoughts aside, the rest of the book is fantastic.  And I am totally not exaggerating when I say it will change things.  


For example, on Sunday, right before the first service, I found out that some people at the church where I'm working were upset about some things but I didn't find out the whole story.  I could feel the panicky feelings of worry and paranoia setting in.  "They don't like me, what did I do, why don't they like me, why does everyone hate me?"  Then I stopped and thought, "Don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions," and I felt the feelings subside.  Then, later on, I found out it had nothing to do with me at all.  I was so glad that I didn't allow those feelings to dominate my life for a full day and keep me from being myself, which I am prone to do.  

There is today's public service announcement.  Come back next time for the story of how I found rat feces in my house this morning! 


An afterthought: In light of all the horrible, HORRIBLE news of GLBT young people taking their lives in recent weeks, it occurred to me that these kinds of messages could really help people who are struggling with, quite literally, living with themselves.  It is not your problem, it is their problem.  It is their hell (as Ruiz would put it), not yours.  This message, along with "it will get better, I promise" is so, so important.  Does it not just break your heart?

More truth telling

I was out of town and now I'm back.  My little introvert self has to take several days to recover after spending time away with friends/family or having visitors at our house.  It's a personal "feature" that is so frustrating.  I love seeing people, so why does it take so much out of me?

But I digress.  I want to talk about another personal feature, depression and anxiety.  Whoo-hoo!  Get excited about this one!  You know how our little profile says we will tell the truth?  Well get ready for some truth telling, folks!

So here's the deal: you know how when you start something new, engagement, a job, moving, and, I imagine, having a baby, everyone says "Oh, how exciting!  You must be so happy, so excited, so thrilled, so in love, so hopeful, so amazingly perfect!" And, if it's a job or a move, you think, "yeah, I'm excited but I'm also scared and nervous and not quite totally 100% sure this is the right thing for me."  But if it's an engagement the only acceptable answer is, "Yes!  Absolutely!"

What's up with that?

Depression, anxiety, all that jazz is one thing during normal working hours and it sucks and I know far too many people who have dealt and are dealing with it in various forms but during the "happiest time of your life?"  Unacceptable.

S and I got engaged on June 16, 2007.  I spent the next three years struggling with depression and anxiety which means every time someone said, "You must be so _____!, " I lied to their face.  

Yeah, I know, you want to be absolutely, 100% sure about committing to a marriage, I get that, but are we ever 100% sure about anything?  Big events can trigger big responses.  For some people it's undeniable bliss, for others it's an impending sense of doom or, perhaps worse, an absence of emotion.  So what do you do?  Well, you don't really feel like you can talk to anyone because then you'll have to face the inevitable questions about whether or not you should go through with the wedding, questions you have been asking yourself for months and that you and your fiance have started discussing.  You've thought, "uh, maybe this is a horrible idea, worst you've ever had."  Yet, when you take off your engagement ring just to see what it feels like (the opposite of going to Tiffany's and pretending that you or a friend is getting engaged...you did that too, right?) or think about a future without your partner it doesn't make things feel better or alleviate the anxiety, it just makes you sad.  But, let's all be honest here, things aren't looking great for your marital future.

Fast forward ------> Things are so much better (thank you Dr. Therapist, thank you meds and then no thank you meds, and thank you coping mechanisms and things to look forward to) but, truthfully, I wish I could go back and redo many of those "happiest moments."  The one moment I wouldn't redo is when we said our vows.  That was the brief period of time that I had no anxiety or sadness and that gave me hope.

Vows make me happy!

So, what's the point of all this? Other than now you feel so sad for me.*

*If you feel so sad for me, I can suggest ways to cheer me up, perhaps involving shoes or the previously mentioned vacation package.  By the way, we are still waiting for our therapy graduation presents. Is this a not customary gift-giving occasion?  

The point is, or at least I think it is, that, um, I don't really know what the point is.  I guess maybe it's that we can resist the urge to insist that our "happiest times ever" be a frenzy of happiness, that we allow for normalcy even during exciting times and recognize that having a full range of emotions, even when you are receiving awesome wedding gifts, is normal and not a sign of horrible things to come.  And, when our loved ones are needing to question their choices, give them support without a side of guilt.

Or maybe I'm just bragging about how much S loves me because he stuck with me for three atrocious years, three years that included our wedding, our sad excuse for a honeymoon, moving, several career shifts for both of us, and Buddy (we love our Buddy).  Seriously folks, I don't know how he did it.

Let me sum up this way:

• sometimes life is happy
• sometimes life is sad
• sometimes we need help to be happy or even just regular (not normal...that's asking a little much)
• and, in the immortal words of the "How Are You?" song, "and that's OK!" 
• and it is.

The End.

Comparison Shopping

I like to comparison shop but sometimes I do things out of order. I find a great deal, indulge in an impulse buy, and then look up reviews, other products, other prices online because I'm curious and then I always have buyer's remorse. Why do I do this? Well, that's a topic for another time and another therapist.

Sometimes participating the all-powerful social network/blogosphere feels like a bad case of comparison shopping after the purchase. I've made and am making choices for my life: jobs, education, who to marry, where to live, when to pursue my goals, which dreams to bless and let go, how to cut my hair, how to decorate my house, how to nurture my relationship, who to spend time with, when to have or not have kids, what clothes to wear, etc, etc, etc. So, good. This is my life right now. It will continue to change but right now, this is it. Great. I got a good deal on it too.

And then I go online. Well, but that person lives there and she looks pretty happy. She didn't get married yet and look at all the fun stuff she's doing. Oh, her hair is long and it looks really good. They already have two kids so they are practically halfway done raising them and I haven't even started. Her husband does all these little things for her, would S even think of that? His job looks like fun and he seems like he's making a lot of money, I could probably do that. How did they take three big trips this year? They completely redid their house...that they own. She has ten good friends that she seems to see all the time, sigh. OMG, she ran a marathon!? Wow, they seem so happy all the time.

My own neuroses aside, is this an unpleasant side effect of Facebook and blog scrolling? I know this kind of comparison shopping has always happened, just read any Jane Austen novel, but does our increased connectedness exacerbate this unhealthy tendency? I know intimate details about the lives of people who I otherwise would never see ever again or have any reason to give even a passing thought if it weren't for Facebook. What do you think? Do we need a collective therapy session to help us interact with our extensive social network in a healthy way...or is it just me?