Saturday, March 19, 2011

"All failure is fleeting"

Earlier this week I made the comment to a friend that it felt like the first two weeks of March pooped on my face. I still have a home, my family, food in my refrigerator and pantry, and much to be thankful for but a few really big things in my life felt like they were falling apart.

I was all set to write up a post about how excited I was about March - flowers blooming, warmer weather, my birthday, a visit from my parents, and finding out about grad school.  Then February 28th arrived and the poop began to fall.

First a crisis in our marriage. I had to drive to Dallas with only Buddy for company and shed a lot of tears.  It's turning out alright, dare I say even wonderful; it's still there though, the pain and hurt that comes with a crisis.  I came home and things are good but my parents canceled their visit and then I got a bladder infection. 

But, it's okay!  My birthday was around the corner!  And we were going to make it wonderful!

Until I get not one but TWO rejection letters from schools where I applied for PhD programs.  I'm waitlisted at the other.  SMASH!  Goodbye dream...

Then S had to work on school stuff the whole weekend before my birthday when we were, you know, gonna celebrate.

Then it rained on my birthday. 

Then I only got two 3-day for the Cure donations on my birthday when I was aiming for 29.


It was beginning to feel like the universe was just closing one door after another.

See, the thing is, this was supposed to be my year.  I've felt like I have been biding my time in the ATL during the past three years while S does his school and work stuff and now it was my turn!  As I approach 30 I was going to get to move forward toward my education and career goals, motherhood, creative pursuits, this was going to be THE YEAR!  No more standing in place, treading water, waiting for my ship to come in, etc, etc.

It's only March, I guess it can still be my year, but the year's going to have to do some extra credit work to get that designation now.

A few days have past, I'm a little more calm, a little less teary, and don't feel like a complete and absolute failure every hour of every day.  But I am still discouraged and disappointed and frustrated with my current circumstances.

Then today I came across this song on another blog.

I love this song.  It might seem a little cheesy but it lifts me up and makes me happy.  I went right over itunes and downloaded her album.

So now, here are some things for which I am thankful:
1) amazing friends who showed me so much love these past two weeks
2) amazing family who showed me so much love these past two weeks
3) a marriage worth fighting for
4) the azaleas that are about to bloom
5) Buddy
6) granny squares and making a blanket like this
7) fresh flowers on my pretty white table
8) the pretty dress that I found for my concert that I can also wear someday when I have a "passenger" on board
9) cookies
10) believing in my dream enough to try again next year if need be
11) the awesome white necklace I made that looks like this
12) life still being full of possibilities
13) being 29, even with the bumpy start
14) getting more birthday cards this year than, well, ever
15) my birthday present from S, a visit from my mom!
16) going to Alaska two weeks from today
17) physicians on call and 24-hour pharmacies
18) a husband who thinks I'm worth it
19) McDonald's $1 sweet tea
20) the second half of March! out like a lamb, right?

We're working on plans A, B, and C now that "go wherever B goes to school" doesn't seem to be working out.  Still keeping my fingers crossed to move off that waitlist!  It's not what I hoped for, not what I expected, not what my mentors assured me would happen, but it's okay. 

You tell me, don't try it
I'm warning you that I won't buy it
All failure is fleeting
I trust it always has its meaning 
-Mindy Gledhill 

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